On Anxiety and Self Doubt (I’m Back!)

Just a warning, this post is going to have a slightly different format than my other posts (no helpful headers, just stream of consciousness), and it gets even more personal than usual. But next post will be my usual style, so stick around!

 

I apologize for my absence. Just as I had people getting interested in my blog and following me week to week, I disappear off the face of the earth. What gives?

If you’ve read the ‘about me’ section of this blog, you know that being a serial entrepreneur is one of my major life goals.

Well, I bit off a bit (read: a LOT) more than I could chew.

Instead of being satisfied with working for myself full-time, and throwing all of my energy into building my freelancing business, I decided that now was a great time to work on opening an online retail store with my sister…and take on an entrepreneurship/mentorship program in hopes of gaining some knowledge and a little funding to help us along.

So, my activities include:

  • Trying to build my reputation/client list as a copywriter
  • Trying to create and launch an online retail brand
  • Going to mentoring meetings, completing online workshops, and filling out deliverables
  • Trying to build my blog
  • Trying to make it to boxing classes 3 times a week so I don’t turn into a complete blob

Let’s see if you can guess which two I have been neglecting!!

(If you guessed blogging and exercise, then ding, ding, ding, you are today’s winner!)

In all seriousness, even though the list seems short, each thing requires so much time and attention that I haven’t been able to think straight. I constantly feel guilty in the evening for not getting enough done every day. And sometimes I’m so overwhelmed by my to-do list that I’m scared to even look at it. It physically pains me when I have to move a goal from one day to the next.

After all, I have clients to answer to, my sister/business partner not to disappoint, a fiancé who will have to bail me out if I can’t make ends meet, and a world of people who see me a certain way that I cannot stand the idea of ever having to tell I’ve failed.

I know that a lot of the pressure is coming from me and how I want to be seen, but still, it’s a lot of pressure. Most nights I can’t sleep through the panic that I’m not good enough, that somehow, if I don’t execute everything flawlessly, the world will end.

It’s gotten to the point of mild agoraphobia. I don’t have to leave my home for work, so most days I don’t leave other than to walk my dog. And this inability to face people has translated to my online life. Hence being dead silent on this blog for roughly a month.

Don’t panic! No need to sit there wondering whether you need to figure out where I am so I can be put on a 72 hour hold. This happens every once in a while. I get to a point of extreme anxiety and self-doubt about what I’m doing and, once I realize I’m there, I have to devise a plan to keep pushing forward.

Or maybe you were thinking the opposite. Maybe you’re disgusted that I’m the typical self-indulgent millennial who crumbles under the pressure of normal life. If so, so be it. I made a deal with myself a long time ago not to be ashamed of any issues with my mental health.

I like to think of it more as being a normal human being undergoing the natural ebb and flow of life and not having the best learned response to environmental stressors. But maybe that’s the Psych/English Lit grad in me speaking.

However you view it, it ends today.

This is my place to explore the successes and failures of being a young adult, trying to make a name for myself. Working out the self-doubt and sharing what I learned is exactly what I started a blog for, so I’m not going to let anxiety ruin that for me.

With all of this said, mental health is a subject that is really important to me. If you need someone to confide in, go to my contact page and send a message. I promise to respond.

But even though I have a Psych degree, I’m really not a professional. So a better option would be to call a helpline or talk to your doctor.

Here is a list of mental health resources within Canada compiled by CTV News. If you don’t live in Canada, please google your local resources. And remember that no matter how dark and hopeless things feel, they CAN get better.

Ok, now that I’ve metaphorically stripped myself naked on the World Wide Web, what’s next?

Since it’s been on my mind constantly, I’m going to do a series musing on business practices from the perspective of an employee and an owner. Then I’m going to circle back and finish my series on finances.

Did I figure out how to budget properly, am I on the verge of declaring bankruptcy? Stay tuned to find out!

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