Reply hazy, try again

I wish I had a crystal ball. 

I keep second-guessing how the way I spend my quarantine time will impact my future. 

On one hand, I’m the happiest I’ve been since I was a teenager. I’m so excited about the things I can learn and create that I don’t struggle to get out of bed anymore. Actually, other than stress over income, I think this is the happiest I’ve ever been. (That feels extremely weird to say during a pandemic.)

On the other hand, happiness doesn’t pay the bills. 

Trying to become an illustrator doesn’t feel practical. It’s a competitive industry, I’ve lost a decade of building skills to the fear of becoming a cliched starving artist, and “making it” could take far more time than I realistically have to replace my income. 

A conversation with my fellow employment-challenged friends put this anxiety into sharp focus today. They’re networking, polishing resumes, exhausting job boards. There are spreadsheets involved for god’s sake! 

I spent almost an entire day painting.

And I feel like I’ll be quickly left behind chasing a fantasy. 

Do I sell my happiness for a guaranteed income, or do I keep busting my ass learning to illustrate and animate in hopes that it’ll someday pay off? 

It’s all just a bit hazy.